How to Discipline My Child Without Damaging Their Self-Esteem

The Comparison Trap and Validation Seeking

In a lot of homes, discipline was built around fear and shame. You behaved and obeyed because you were scared of what would happen if you didn’t, not because someone sat down and explained to you why something was wrong.

For many of us, it was not about understanding our mistakes or learning from our mistakes, it was about not getting into trouble.

Research has shown that growing up with shame-based discipline can stay with children in ways we don’t always notice right away. What it might look like is lower self-esteem, more anxiety, and sometimes even pushing back harder as they get older (Muris & Meesters, 2014)

That whole “shut up and listen” approach?  It worked to create obedient kids. But being obedient is not the same as being emotionally healthy with an unshakable sense of self. And if you are reading this, you probably already know that in your gut.

As you read this, you may be asking yourself “What if I am doing this to my child?”

To get an answer to that question, don’t forget to read our blog, Am I unintentionally lowering the self-worth of my child?

Discuss the Behavior, Not the Child

One thing that makes a huge difference is how you converse in difficult moments. Let’s say your child did something that frustrated you. In that moment, it’s tempting to say “Why are you being so difficult?” or “You never listen.” But these sentences label the child instead of addressing the action.

Try this instead: ”I do not like it when you throw toys around. That can hurt you or someone else.”

Do you see the difference? One version makes a child feel bad about themselves. The other makes it clear that the behaviour needs to change.

A study in Child Development found that parents who focus on behaviour instead of labels help children develop a healthier self-image and better emotional control (Grusec & Goodnow, 1994).